Single Parenting

About 22% of families fit the traditional two-parent mold. This means an increasing number of children in the U.S. are growing up in a single-parent family. These single-parent families include single women choosing to have children and raise them on their own, divorced parents with single-parent arrangements, and families who experience the death of a parent.

Research shows that it isn't the lack of 2 parents that has a negative effect on a child's development. Rather, it is how unstable or disruptive the home is that can affect children. The following list provides some suggestions that could help your family:

1. Find stable places for child-care and home. This may mean researching child-care options thoroughly before choosing one to avoid frequently changing care-givers. Attempt as few moves as possible in other areas of your life.
2. Create a daily routine and try to stick to it 7 days a week. This includes awakening and going to bed at approximately the same time every day, eating meals on a regular schedule, and picking your child up from child care at an expected time.
3. Make visits with the other parent routine. Consistent contact with the other parent, both by phone and through visiting, is usually positive and in the child's best interest.
4. Use appropriate methods of discipline consistently. Divorced parents should try to establish similar disciplinary strategies and limits for acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Limits and methods of discipline will periodically change as a child grows older.
5. Don't put your child in the middle. If you are raising your child in 2 different homes, don't make your child responsible for carrying messages between parents. Don't ask the child to supply information about the other parent, and don't ask your child to choose sides in parental battles.
6. Treat your child like a child. He or she should not be concerned with adult problems and concerns. Treating your child as a confidante or source of support for personal problems can be very detrimental.
7. Answer questions about the other parent briefly. Answer only the questions that are asked and answer them briefly.
8. Spend time with your child each day. Try to spend at least one "quiet time" period with your child daily. This is an opportunity to touch base during a busy schedule and can be calming and reassuring.
9. Make and keep family traditions.
10. Establish a good support system. This is important for both the parent and child. It may include extended family, a consistent play group, neighbors, friends, or single-parenting groups. Raising children is difficult, and a good backup when a parent is frustrated or exhausted is a necessity.
11. Volunteer to participate in activities at your child's school. This will allow you to meet other parents and have a basis for topics to talk about with your child.
12. Develop a social life separate from your child. This could include an exercise group, similar interest group, church organizations, etc. These are also good sources for support.
13. Consider your situation when dating. Dating can present different challenges, depending on the age of your child. Initially, it may be easier on the child for you to meet your date outside the home until you have made some decision about the relationship. Young children tend to attach easily to adults who spend time with them. Older children can feel some jealousy or threat from someone with whom they must share their parent's time and space.
14. Seek professional help if serious problems develop. The feelings of grief or loss are often important to address in the case of divorce or death of one parent. Individual or family counseling can provide support for both the children and adults involved in this transition.
15. Explain your money problems. If the status of the family changes from a two-parent home to a single-parent home, finances are often affected. You may have to explain to your children that buying "extras" and some activities have to be limited. Consulting a financial planner or accountant is often a sound approach when a parent is forced into a position he or she has not handled in the past.

Where can I get help?

Organizations and books are good resources for information and support.

Organizations

Parents Without Partners
401 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, IL 60611-4267
(800) 637-7974

SingleMOTHER
P.O. Box 68
Midland, NC 28107
(704) 888-5437

Books

IN PRAISE OF SINGLE PARENTS: MOTHERS AND FATHERS EMBRACING THE CHALLENGE; by Shoshana Alexander; Houghton Mifflin, 1994

THE BOYS AND GIRLS BOOK ABOUT ONE-PARENT FAMILIES; by Ricard A. Gardner; Bantam Books, 1983

THE SINGLE PARENT FAMILY: LIVING HAPPILY IN A CHANGING WORLD; by Marge Kennedy and Janet Spencer King; Crown Publishers, 1994

SINGLE PARENTS BY CHOICE: A GROWING TREND IN FAMILY LIFE; by Naomi Miller, Insight Books, 1992